It’s Valentine’s Day, kids…and I’m feeling old.
I used to believe that Valentine’s Day was just another fabricated holiday marketed by Hallmark to guilt us into buying flowers and candy for our beloved partners in life. But now, thanks to global warming, it more accurately marks the first day of Spring. And, as such, the pasty calves of Spring are emerging more and more along the trail and roads about Columbia. (Pasty thighs still have about a month or so until they bloom.) Case in point—today is 51 and sunny. I’ve already seen a few comments on Facebook from people assembling afternoon “hooky rides” for today, and all I can say is, you guys suck. If there is anything worse than being trapped at work on a beautiful day like this, it’s being trapped at work knowing your friends are out there enjoying it.
Anyway, this year the GEEC did all of her Valentine’s Day shopping for me at the premier online cycling shop: Craigslist. And I’m now the proud owner of one Man’s Bike with “big comfortable seat,” which only set the GEEC back a cool $45.
This seat is so big and comfortable, in fact, that it has rendered a chamois entirely unnecessary. I have thus begun rubbing my chamois cream directly onto my gigantic saddle and riding sans shorts. It’s so flipping comfortable, I might as well be at home, sitting in my extra plush EZ-Boy recliner watching Wheel of Fortune with no pants on. Pure heaven.
And the gift of a new bike just simply could not have come at a better time, as I find myself having a bit of a mid-life crisis. You see, I had my annual physical a couple of weeks ago and found out I’m a little hypertensive. I initially wondered if my elevated systolic pressure could have been because the doctor had just finished checking my prostate (it’s the ultimate form of white-coat syndrome), so I bought a home monitor to check it under a more serene, less intrusive environment. Unfortunately, it’s still high.
So I’m trying to reduce my salt intake a bit and maybe lose a bit of weight. And the only thing that will ease the pain of my kinder, blander diet is getting new bike stuff. But what my new Man’s Bike with Big Comfortable Seat optimizes in the comfort department, it sure is lacking in responsiveness. The thing is a bit of a tank. Thus, I was sort of eyeballing this a bit, also found on Craigslist:
A slightly used FSA carbon crankset for $150. The seller does remark that he doesn’t have a camera, so he just trusts I will accept this jpeg of a brand new crankset as an accurate representation of his, and also suggests that I not “pass up on this great opportunity to make your bike lighter and stiffer.” Ah yes, the pursuit of becoming “lighter and stiffer.” It’s as if he’s read the middle-aged male playbook to perfection, cyclist or no. The check is in the mail, dude.
But if this Valentine’s Day signals the entrance of some warmer temperatures, it hopefully also is a chance for a little romance, or even bromance. And that certainly is true in the world of the avid cyclist, or “spinner,” as I saw in this morning’s Missed Connections section on Cragislist:
Can you believe how this guy obsesses about the distance, effort, and riding habits of someone else with such disdain, instead of just worrying about his own training? Actually, he should buy a road bike and a membership to Strava and join in on a group ride here. He’d fit right in.
Lastly, I have to announce today that I’ve finally come out of the closet (with respect to my anonymity) and decided to give VOX the exclusive interview, despite being hounded by many other news outlets (sorry, Oprah).
And to make sure there is no confusion, I can confess to you that, yes, I was in fact called “sasquatch” by someone at the 2004 Apple Cup Race. Yes, I really do suck at bike riding. Yes, I really do watch the Flintstones. And, finally, this:
Nate nailed it, as always.
Lastly, I apologize to everyone at VOX for being such a royal pain in the taint. You are all a bunch of good eggs who should be doing stories on much more interesting topics. Just for you, I’ve compiled a list of things more interesting than me for your next story ideas:
THINGS MORE INTERESTING THAN POOBAH
- Naval lint (Why don’t the Army or Marines get it?)
- Turtle rights (Seriously: they keep getting stuck in the road and cannot get over those 6″ curbs. I propose turtle corridors be added to residential streets.)
- That hacky sack dude who doesn’t wear a shirt. (His sacks are so dirty!!!)
Damn forgot to wash my Hacky Sacks again! No time now, headed to Speakers Circle to kick!
— Derrick Fogle (@h4x354x0r) February 14, 2013